Monthly Archives: October 2016

The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

remoteThe remote control is the best thing ever invented. How did we ever get along without this spectacular gadget? I vaguely remember getting up from the couch and walking all the way to the television to change the channel. Or I would wait until someone walked by and begged them to change the channel for me. If the remote became misplaced now days, I will spend twenty minutes looking for it, rather than change the channel myself. If I can’t find it then I will just go read a book. It’s not worth the hassle without the remote. I would like to know who the person is that sets the remote on top of the tv? The purpose of the remote is to not go near the tv. One time at the grocery store as I was digging through my purse for my wallet, I find the remote. OK, whose the wise guy (or girl)?

 

I remember having to have a remote for the television, one for the VCR. Some people would have a coffee table full of remotes. They now make remotes that work for your tv and dish/cable, so you only have t hunt for one. We once had a recliner that would eat the remotes. You would have to put the leg rest up and go around back and stick your hand in the loose part of the material and fish around until you found it, praying the whole time that your toddler wouldn’t come over and put the leg rest back down.

 

Have you noticed there are remotes for everything? Why do people need a remote for their car stereo?  When riding in the car, drivers and passengers are just an arms length away from the stereo. What happens if one misplaces the remote while one is driving? That’s an accident waiting to happen! There are also remotes for shades. What? I don’t even know what to say about those.

The Word of the Day

hat

The word of the day is asshat. An asshat is someone who does something inconsiderate, such as using my car at night after I have gone to bed and bringing back with absolutely no gas in it, knowing that I have to be up at dark-thirty. They also know that I would oversleep and have to rush around to get to work on time, thus not allowing time to stop for gas.

 
An asshat comes in all shapes and sizes, can be male or female (usually male)and can be any race. Another annoying habit of the asshat, is not putting out a new roll of toilet paper when they use the end of a roll, knowing well and good that the fresh supply is out of reach if you are in a sitting position.  The said asshat is not too proud to shout (or text) from the bathroom that he/he needs a roll of toilet paper. An asshat doesn’t refill ice-cube trays. They put the milk back in the refrigerator with a drop left in it. They are very sneaky. After they eat all the ice cream except one spoonful, they put it back in the freezer.
On my way home from work a woman pulled out in front of me without looking. That my friends, is a female asshat. This particular asshat then continued to drive in both lane. After she picked a lane I buzzed around her preparing to flip her the International Sign of Friendship , but then I remembered, I am an adult.

Thank Goodness For Google

Redback Spider, Latrodectus hasselti

How in the world did we ever get along without Google?  I find myself Googling everything. When someone asks me a question I can’t answer, I Google it! If I am watching a movie and I can’t recall the name of the actor or actress, I Google it. Many times my memory may be failing me but sometimes it is because the actor has had so much “work” done that they are no longer recognizable. The same goes for music. If I am listening to a song and I can’t remember the lyrics or I can’t remember who sings it, Google it. What did we use before Google? Phone a friend?

Google is also helpful with homework. (Sometimes too helpful.) When my youngest son needed help with his homework and I had no idea what he was talking about, I Googled it. With my older children I had not heard of Google. When I couldn’t help them, (this started about third grade and no I am not smarter than a 5th grader.) I would say, “Have your dad help you, or call your grandparents. If they don’t know ask your aunt.” “Do you have anyone in your class that we can call that might be able to help us?”

I use Google at work as well. This is great for when people come in and ask, “What’s this plant?” or “Is this a weed?” If I don’t know the answer then I just put in a description and thousands of pictures come up. So I narrow it down and hopefully find a match.

As I was cleaning up at work one day I saw a weird looking spider. I Googled it and found that it was a Red Back Spider from Australia.  Australia?  Here in the US?  It must be. The internet is never wrong. (Well maybe it didn’t look exactly like that.)

 

Things That Make Me Cringe

couple

Things That Make Me Cringe

 

I go crazy when I hear someone mispronounce a word. I think it goes back to a certain first grade teacher, who would pound on her bell and yell, “PRONUNCIATE!”  I have started a list. Ready? Here we go.

Wash does not have an r it. If you say worsh, chances are I will correct you.

Ask, not ax. Please do not ax your mother.

Bush, not boosh. Another word I must correct.

Naked, not nekked. Nekked can only be used if you are drinking.

Okra, not okrie. If you ever worked in a Garden Center, you know who these people are.

Prescription and Subscription or not interchangeable.

Be specific not Pacific. Pacific is an ocean.

Poplar. We have a street in our town called Poplar. It is named for a Poplar tree but what do many call it? Popular. Uggg

 

Here are some random things that basically just piss me off:

I am in a store. It is chilly. Here comes a mother and child. The mother has a coat on, the child does not. The child is also barefoot. Needless to say the child has a rather disgusting snotty nose.

People in a store with their child in a cart. The child is about to fall out of the cart. The parent is oblivious because they are on their phone.

People that come in the store I work at (this has been at previous jobs also), they ask me a question and while I am answering them their phone rings. I can understand it if the doctor’s office or it’s something really important. One man had a ten minute conversation with his wife about what vegetable they should have for supper. I now know that he doesn’t like broccoli.

People that think other people want to hear their phone conversation, so they talk really, really loud.

Nose hair and ear hair. Enough said!

When you see a man with an ugly sweater on. You then realize that it isn’t a sweater. He has no shirt on.

Rude cashiers.

Please that pay with damp money. Especially if they pulled it out of their bra.

I’m sure there are more that I will remember after I post this. Count on a sequel at a later date. What makes you cringe?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As Long As You Love Me

back-street-boys

When I became a mother thirty-one years ago, I was a bit more uptight than I am now. There is a bit of an age difference with my kids. They are 31, 26 and 19. I remember on one occasion, my daughter, who is the oldest, and her best-friend went outside to play with sidewalk chalk. They were probably four or five. I went out a little while later to check on them. I was horrified to see that they had drawn people with all the anatomically correct parts. I shooed them inside, gave them each a pitcher of water, and ordered them to go back outside and wash off their artwork. What if the mailman would have walked by? What would he think of my parenting? If this would of happened now, I would have probably taken a picture of it and put it on Facebook. I am sure my daughter would have been the next Frida Kahlo, if I hadn’t scarred her for life by shaming her artwork.

 

I am so much more lacks now. I don’t know if it is because I am older and more patient or just because I am older and too tired. I was working nights in a grocery store when my youngest son was sixteen. I got a text from him that was meant for my daughter. It read, “If Mom asks, I’m with you.” Now, if that would have been the older two they would have been grounded. However, we have learned from our mistakes and grounding only makes the parents suffer. I am much sneakier now and used this information to my advantage. He never saw it coming.

 

My kids do not see me as the cool parent that I am. Their friends do, but my kids are oblivious. I was riding in the car with my younger son and his friend one day and as I randomly shout out song lyrics. I saw my son cringing as I sing at the top of my lungs, “Bitch, I might be.” His friend was rolling in the back seat. It’s like I have Tourettes. Lucky for them I didn’t know anymore of the words. (or lucky for me that I didn’t know them.)  Several years ago I was taking the boys to school. I always liked to play the radio loud in the car when it was nice enough to have the windows down. When I got to the high school to let my oldest son out he reached over and turned the radio way down.  As he was getting out, and was out of reaching range,  I cranked the radio back up and The Backstreet Boys sang, ‘As Long as You Love Me’. He was mortified. Mom 1 Kids 321 I am slowly catching up with them.