Sad Tree

half-tree

I suffer from seasonal depression. Beginning in September it hits me. By the time October is here I feel like the picture of the tree above. Like I am half a person. One side seems normal and the other side doesn’t exist. I have been unable to write for the last few weeks because I have nothing to say. The things that I have been thinking should be bleeped out. Since you can’t bleep text I have waited until I was up to it. In the last week the clouds have started to lift.

I have come out of it a lot quicker this year than last. Last August, a mother of one of my former daycare kids was brutally murder. That started my depression, followed by my baby boy (18 year old) moving out and menopause. After the holiday I started to feel better. Then my husband became very ill. After he came home from the hospital I had a purpose again, someone to take care of. In February, he was admitted to a different hospital. When he came home he started recovering very quickly. When he didn’t need me anymore I felt rejected and slipped back into my depressed state.

Through most of 2016 I have spent my time off work in my room. It really needs to be cleaned but I don’t have the energy to do it. I have been working between 55 and 60 hours a week so that could be part of it. I recently have been put on oxygen at night. It seems to be helping because I can actually spent time outside of my room.

The downside is I am sleeping deeper and woke up last week to my boss calling. I slept through four alarms. I had to hurry to work without showering. I told her I would probably be late for my next job too. I needed to go home and shower. She said, “Paula, you looked fine.” I told her, “I don’t feel fine. I still have on yesterdays underwear.”

 

2 thoughts on “Sad Tree

  1. It really does make a difference to some of us when we no longer have someone to take care of. When your kids are grown and then your grandkids, you are kinda at loose ends. Both of my grandsons will be driving soon and are already off with friends and activities. Also I once read that older women (use your own definition of “older” ) are invisible and it’s so true! Probably none of this is making you feel any better but I can relate to your feelings. Some things that always makes me feel better is to talk to a good friend, do something I like to do even though I’m doing it by myself (sometimes it’s better by yourself), just move to a different position, like go outside, take a drive, take a walk ( I love to walk on my country road or drive to town and walk around at the park). You don’t have to clean house or do the dishes(talk about depressing) unless that makes you feel better if course. I’ m thinking of you and hoping you can find something that energizes you (working so many hours sounds hard) but sometimes it’s necessary for survival!! Take care of yourself!

    1. I love your ideas and thanks for the encouragement. I feel like a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders after I voted today. I didn’t realize how much that was burdening me. Now I can worry about something else. LOL

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