Category Archives: Humorous Blog

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

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This year I am one of those people I normally find annoying. It is four days until Thanksgiving and I have already finished my Christmas shopping. (Ninety percent wrapped.) I can hear the boos and hisses folks, give it a rest. I have a really good excuse for my early shopping. This year I am going to be laid off from my full-time job in exactly ten days, ten hours and thirty-six minutes. Not that I am counting.

I am so ready for layoff time. Last year I spent most of the time with hubby while he was hospitalized twice and back and forth to doctor appointments. This year I have some small medical issues to deal with and hope to have carpal tunnel surgery as well. I also hope to finish painting the living-room that we started months ago. I can feel my sons eyes rolling as I type. He will say, “You are going to paint? You always start these projects and by start I mean you go buy the paint. Then when it is actually time to paint you have a hair appointment or you have to run to the store real quick. Great excuse to have the surgery so you can’t use your hands.”

Speaking of carpal tunnel, recently I was waiting on a customer and was struggling to ring up his items. The conversation went like this.
Me: I’m sorry, my hands are really bothering me today.
Him: Do you have carpal tunnel?
Me: Yes, and it’s gotten much worse. I guess it’s time to have something done with it.
Him: I had mine done years ago. (He starts flexing his hands.)
Me: I asked the Doctor to do one of mine when I had my knee done. I’m sure glad he didn’t because I had a hard enough time with my knee.
Him: I had a friend that had both hands done at the same time. Boy, I felt sorry for him.
Me: Was he married?
Him Yes, he is married.
Me: I feel sorry  for her,
Him: (Laughing) Yeah. Poor woman.

Ladies, know how pitiful a man is when they are sick. Just think if the can’t use his hands. You would have to do everything for him. I mean EVERYTHING!

As Long As You Love Me

back-street-boys

When I became a mother thirty-one years ago, I was a bit more uptight than I am now. There is a bit of an age difference with my kids. They are 31, 26 and 19. I remember on one occasion, my daughter, who is the oldest, and her best-friend went outside to play with sidewalk chalk. They were probably four or five. I went out a little while later to check on them. I was horrified to see that they had drawn people with all the anatomically correct parts. I shooed them inside, gave them each a pitcher of water, and ordered them to go back outside and wash off their artwork. What if the mailman would have walked by? What would he think of my parenting? If this would of happened now, I would have probably taken a picture of it and put it on Facebook. I am sure my daughter would have been the next Frida Kahlo, if I hadn’t scarred her for life by shaming her artwork.

 

I am so much more lacks now. I don’t know if it is because I am older and more patient or just because I am older and too tired. I was working nights in a grocery store when my youngest son was sixteen. I got a text from him that was meant for my daughter. It read, “If Mom asks, I’m with you.” Now, if that would have been the older two they would have been grounded. However, we have learned from our mistakes and grounding only makes the parents suffer. I am much sneakier now and used this information to my advantage. He never saw it coming.

 

My kids do not see me as the cool parent that I am. Their friends do, but my kids are oblivious. I was riding in the car with my younger son and his friend one day and as I randomly shout out song lyrics. I saw my son cringing as I sing at the top of my lungs, “Bitch, I might be.” His friend was rolling in the back seat. It’s like I have Tourettes. Lucky for them I didn’t know anymore of the words. (or lucky for me that I didn’t know them.)  Several years ago I was taking the boys to school. I always liked to play the radio loud in the car when it was nice enough to have the windows down. When I got to the high school to let my oldest son out he reached over and turned the radio way down.  As he was getting out, and was out of reaching range,  I cranked the radio back up and The Backstreet Boys sang, ‘As Long as You Love Me’. He was mortified. Mom 1 Kids 321 I am slowly catching up with them.

 

Instant Karma

lightening

Instant Karma

 

I didn’t even know what ‘Instant Karma’ was until about three years  ago. I was talking to a co-worker, as I am walking away from her   I said  something sarcastic  (big surprise, right?).  I tripped and  almost fell. From her direction I hear her yell, “Instant Karma”.  What? This is Karma? I just thought I was just a klutz. I had always heard  about karma. I thought it only applied to tattling or to calling  the  police on your neighbors. You know, what goes around comes  around, kind of thing. This could be bad. I have to be nice to  people.. This may be a problem. I was told once by a professor that  I am “snarky”, which of  course I took  as a compliment.

My son was helping me with the tire on my car one day. Once againI said something “snarky”. All of sudden I made a wheezing noise   and my son turns around to look at me. “I choked on my gum,” I  croaked.  There it is again, “Instant Karma”.

One some occasions it isn’t even instant. It sneaks up on you  the next day or could take weeks. Just know, it will happen.  One day I was very irritated at work. As we were locking the front door to leave I told my co-worker that I was going to call in the next day.  Anyone that knows me, will   attest that I rarely  miss work.  I was just blowing off steam. However,the next  morning I was so sick  I couldn’t even get out of bed.   Wow, me and my big mouth. These are just three instances that I  recall. How many have I forgotten? Why, oh why can’t I control my mouth? Now I know what Karma is and she is a bitch.

 

Eleven Days of Staycation

Staycation

I am on vacation for the next twelve days (from only one job). I am  not going anywhere. I don’t know why I thought I needed twelve  days off but I’m taking it. My plans are deep cleaning my house,  finishing up the two rooms we have torn apart, watching all the  shows I have on my DVR (which includes 24 episodes of The Young  and the Restless, several Hallmark Movie and Mysteries and Real  Housewives of everywhere).

Day One (Friday) :                            Today my goals are, cleaning the bathroom and go to Walmart. I will also try to clear some of the stuff of my DVR. In the afternoon  my daughter is coming over and we are  going to eat.

Day two (Saturday):                               I didn’t get the bathroom cleaned and I  didn’t go to Walmart. I     watched  six episodes of Y & R and some other shows.  I also took  two naps. My daughter and I went to eat. She choose Subway,  which I was kind of disappointed about. We  had a nice time  for a bout three minutes when we got a call and  had to go home.  Goals for Saturday are, clean the bathroom (which  really needs  it now), go to Walmart and go to lunch with Ty and Anna.

Day three (Sunday):            Once again didn’t get the bathroom cleaned and  didn’t go to Walmart. Went to the city to eat sushi. My friends  tricked me in to  going shopping, which they know I hate. They  waited to tell me  until we were almost there before they sprung  their idea  to shop. We went to Pyramid where we shopped for vegan stuff for Ty.  We then went to Hobby Lobby, which wasn’t too  terrible. I got  some good ideas for the room I am working on. My  goals for  Sunday were the same as every other day, the bathroom     and Walmart.

Day four (Monday):                  On Sunday I actually cleaned the bathroom  (I still need  to mop  and change the shower curtain). I decide to go to G&W instead of Walmart. I had planned on a nap but got a call when I was  at the store that my daughter had a friend in and they needed me to watch her child while my daughter worked. So I spent the   afternoon with a seven year old, (that’s what she said but I would  swear she was six). She kept us entertained and  promised to come back again. My goal for Monday was finish the bathroom  and clean the room we just paint (we, meaning everyone but me, but it was my idea).

Day five (Tuesday):                          Monday morning I had to work my part-time  job. I was suppose  to have a lunch date with a friend but she had  to cancel.  I took a nap instead. I was down to ten episodes of Y&R,  I finished  my book, ‘The Rosie Project’ and I started ‘The Girl on the Train’. I did not finish the bathroom and I did not work on my room. I am now thinking I need to get my butt in gear, after all this is day  five and I have nothing accomplished.  My goals for Tuesday are as follows, go to my friends for coffee, go with my mom to the city for  her doctor’s appointment and lunch, finish the bathroom (probably need to start over), clean the painted bedroom.

Day 6 -9 (Wednesday-Saturday)  Well, you get the idea. I have done nothing I promised myself I  would do. I didn’t even manage to do the first  three things  on my list done  and believe me it is a long list.  So I have  two full days left and I’m  just  not feeling it. Even though I didn’t do   the  work around my house I did  get to spend time with my  parents and  one of my friends from my childhood.  Even though we live thirty minutes from each other, my friend and I   rarely see each other. She came over and we had coffee  and  monsters. I did get to see all of my kids and spend some much needed time with hubby. My list will still be there when I go back    to work. (Maybe someone else will do the list for me.)

Update: I am truly the ‘Queen of Procrastinating’. I did manage to get a tremendous amount of work done on my last two and a half days. My DVR has never had this much free space. I pulled the carpet and shampooed the furniture in the room I now call “My Happy Place.”   All my laundry is washed and dried (in a giant heap in the corner of my bedroom). I spent my last day off with all three of my kids, at my parents,for a cook-out. It was a great day. You don’t realize how fast time flies until you are on vacation.

My Thirty Year Diet

Dropped Ice Cream

I have been on a diet for thirty years. I have lost the same five pounds a dozen times. I have tried so many different things. In  the early nineties I did the tuna diet. Surprisingly that didn’t work.  I tried Weight Watcher where I successfully lost forty pounds. Over  the years, I have slowly regained it and more. I rejoined Weight  Watchers a couple more times but had lost my willpower to give  up the crap I like to eat.

So I have decided not to diet but change my eating habits to eat  healthier, which is kind of like Weight Watchers but on my terms.  I was a vegan for about a month but I could not live without cheese.  I love cheese! It doesn’t even have to be real cheese, in a can, in a  jar or in a box, still love it. I tried not eating carbs. That lasted a  couple days. I love bread with my cheese. I even tried the Whole30  and made it a whole 14.

I have the perfect solution to my dilemma. I will hire someone to  cook healthy for me and follow me around. When they see me eating ice cream they will smack my hand causing the ice cream to fly out  of my hand and hit the ground. I have many bad habits but eating off  the ground is not one of them.

As for exercise, not enjoyable. I use to walk every morning with  my friend but she moved away. We would walk everyday unless it  was raining hard, under 20 degrees or one of us had cramps. On  those days we would drive to the Donut Shop instead. I tried walking  without her but I really needed someone to force me out of bed everyday. Another friend wanted me to start jogging with her but I  complained that my knee was bothering me. She harassed me on  a regular basis. I finally went to the doctor and ended up having knee  surgery. So my excuse to this day is, I just had knee surgery (in 2013).

I tried Yoga and loved it. I wasn’t able to go the next two times but  when I finally went back it wasn’t as enjoyable. There were other  people there. The nerve of them. It was a beginner class and they  didn’t act like beginners. When we left I complained to my friend. Being the voice of reason she said maybe it was the only class  they could attend. Ok, fine.

So I am trying some different things. I need to control my acid reflux  also. This week I vowed to do two things. 1. No fried foods. 2. No ice cream. Number two was added because one day last week three  different people brought me ice cream and I ate ALL OF IT, a blizzard,  (Dairy Queen), a blast (Sonic), and a sundae (Braum’s).  Note: The  week ends on Monday so I will be heading to Dairy Queen. I have  no self control.

 

Update: I made it a whole week and I feel better! I was able to sleep lying down without having acid reflux. Today was my ice cream day. I went to Dairy Queen, twice. (I had french fries too.) Tomorrow I try for another week. Wish me luck!

The “Remodel”

Before

We are starting our “remodel”. This is the wall of     the middle bedroom, which we will attempt to paint.  We don’t do things like normal people or in a  normal time frame. On Saturday we were to start  the priming. I went to lunch with my parents and  came back and hubby had started without me. We  painted two of the walls and Cliff decided we need  to tape the top so we wouldn’t get it on the ceiling.  So we were done for the day. The next day we  ignored the room and did nothing. Cliff worked on  it the next couple days so by Thursday it was ready       to paint.

BR primer 3

Notice how we don’t move the things out of the  room. We just move them to the middle. Had I been more organized I would of sorted through the stuff  in the room and probably thrown most of it away or  donated it, but that’s not how we do things.

BR primer1

On Thursday, which was my day off, I went to  Sherwin Williams to buy paint. I did decide on the  color but the sale didn’t start until the next day. So             back  to Sherwin Williams on Friday.

blue

This is the color of my wall. I really don’t like it. I need help people.  I am thinking of using a feather duster to add lighter colors. What colors should I use or does anyone have a better idea or technique? I did get the nasty carpet pulled up and am trying to come up with a cheap floor covering. Again, any ideas?floor-2I had asked my boys to help me  pull up the carpet but they were busy. Keep in mind that I never do any of this myself. I start the project and then when they come to help I mysterious disappear until they are done. They are on to me.

I decided to pull the carpet myself. How hard could it be, right? I had about a foot pulled up when I encountered my first problem. I needed to cut it at the closet. I asked my son if we had a box knife. Look in the toolbox. I do know where the tool box is but no knife to be found. After looking around I finally came up with something. As I started cutting, which was easy peesy, the handle broke off. Well   crap! How am I going to explain this ? I contemplated hiding it but my son had seen it and would either tell his dad or use it to blackmail me so I decided to come clean and tell my husband that I  broke his knife thingy.

knife-thingy

It used to be in one piece. Now it is in three.

Because Grandma Says So

WVDNW0H57B

My Grandma Alice was part always part of my life. We lived in the same  small town. She kept my sister and I whenever my parents went out of  town. (I learned later that no one else wanted that honor.) I was a very  active child. (brat) We always did fun things when we were with Grandma.  She would let us pick a fun activities if we were good. Two things high on  our list were, the cemetery and the city dump. (I told you it was a small town.)

Grandma liked to instill little lessons wherever we would go. I remember riding in her car with my arm out the window. She told me about her cousin  that was riding in a car with his arm hanging out the window, just like mine,  and a truck drove past with a meat hook on it and the hook ripped his arm  off. To this day I always keep my arm in the car. I am yet to see a truck  with a meat hook.

When I had my first child she would cut articles out of the paper and  bring them to me. I was cautioned about leaving my cat in the same  room with my baby because she had a cousin whose cat tried to sucked  the milk out of the baby’s mouth, which caused the baby to suffocate.  I read years later a letter in Dear Abby about a similar situation. Dear  Abby said it was an old wives tale. What? Not true Abby, it happened  to Grandma’s cousin.

Grandma had a large glass bottle filled with pink crystals of sugar. It was  called “good sugar”. When we were good, we would get a small handful.  When I became an adult I noticed the jar was still 3/4 full. Amazing, six  grandchildren and still almost full.

 

 

Coffee, Tea or Monster

I have three addictions. You guessed it. Coffee, tea and Monster energy Drinks. I didn’t start drinking coffee until about three years ago. I hate the   taste  of coffee so I was shocked when I was introduced to flavored coffee  creamer. Who knew you could take coffee and turn it into something t hat taste good? There are so many flavors to choose from . When I go shopping, I literally stand in front of the dairy case and drool. It’s like  going to the ice cream store and trying to choose a flavor. It’s like drinking  hot liquid ice cream. How many people like chocolate coffee? Me! I love  chocolate anything. The creamer even taste good by itself and yes I know  because I have tried it.

 

I love sweet tea. I really became hooked when I went down south to  visit my sister. Everywhere we went we had sweet tea. When I came  home it didn’t taste as good. I found the next best thing. Red Diamond!  I go through phases when I will drink sweet tea, then I go for a long period  without it. When I hear the song “Good Directions”, by Billy Currington,  he talks about Miss Bell’s sweet tea , I immediately have a craving for  sweet tea and run out and get a jug of Red Diamond Sweet Tea. Next  time I go down south I am going to track Miss Bell down and have some  of her famous sweet tea.

 

I am a Monster addict. I used to drink two a day but have cut back to   about three or four a week.  What really irritates me  is go into a store  to buy one and getting a lecture about how bad they are for me by a well-meaning chain smoking cashier. I appreciate your concern for my  health but practice what you preach and leave me in peace to enjoy  my Monster. Which is probably doing significant damage to my heart  and I am sure someday I will regret it but today I just need to stay  awake for the remainder of my shift.

 

I used to have a home day care and worked 18 hour days. One day  feeling extremely tired,  I called one of the day care parents that was  due to pick up her children soon and asked if she could pick me up a  Monster Rehab on her way. (Monster Rehab is Monster and tea.) Her  response was, “Paula, you need Monster Rehab.”

I’d Rather Have a Root Canal

Shopping

Shopping, how I hate shopping. Clothes shopping is the worst. I normally  buy my clothes at a thrift store or on the online swap sites. Thrift stores are  cheap enough that if they don’t fit when I get them home you are usually  only out a couple dollars.  It is odd that I would shop at a thrift store since I  have this germ thing going on. I always wash my hands as soon as I get home and wash the clothes a couple times before I wear them.  One of the many  reason that I hate shopping for clothes is:  what I think I should look like  in them and what I actually look like in them are not even  close.  I picture myself always at least 20 years younger and fifty pounds lighter.  When I look in the  mirror I  see a fifty-two year old “full figured” gal   resembling a busted can of biscuits.

My friends give me clothes. They get tired of seeing me in the same clothes  over and over again. I got a pair of maternity pants a couple years ago that  were so comfortable. I had to wear a long shirt to cover the panel in front. I  worn them to Thanksgiving because they stretched enough for me to eat as  much as I wanted.  I didn’t even know they made maternity clothes anymore.     I see all the pregnant girls walking around in their tank tops and seat pants   and just figured maternity clothes went the way of the phone booth.

I invited a friend to go to the mall with me once to finish my Christmas  shopping. She loves to shop. I got everything on my list and told her I was    ready to go. The look of disappointment on her face was priceless. We  had been at the mall less than thirty minutes.  I have to say that  sometimes my organization skills are flawless. I lured her away  from the mall with the promise of a good lunch, my treat.

Walmart is also a sore spot for me. I have to be in the mood to go  there and I want to be in and out. My boys do not like to go with me.  When the baby was younger he would pretty much throw himself in  front of the cart to keep me from going down the book aisle. (My       favorite and only reason to go  Walmart, especially when Janet  Evanovich has  a new book out.)

Food shopping is so depressing. I spend my hard earned money on  a small bag of food. It is gone in a couple days and I have to go back.  I know what you are thinking. Why don’t I shop for a week. Well, this  is why. 1. I don’t want to be in the store that long. 2. I don’t want to spend  all my money. 3. I don’t want to lug all the crap I buy up the steps and  into the house. 4. I don’t want to put it up and 5. I sure as hell don’t want  to cook it. I usually go to G & W Grocery store.  It’s a little more expensive  but has good sales.  They have these little bitty carts that my purse won’t  even fit in. My purses are the same story as clothes. I never buy them.   They are given to me. I usually use a purse until it is hanging by one  strap or all the fake leather is peeling off.  When I was carrying my really       ratty purse, three people, each gave me a purse. These will probably            last me the rest of my life. My friend, Ty, gave me a really  nice Coach     purse.  I tried to talk her out of it but she was adamant that I take it.  I am more of a Walmart purse kinda girl than a Coach purse kinda girl.              I have grown to love it.  It is really large and can hold about twenty      pounds of  my stuff.  Thankfully the straps are holding up.  I gave one of  my old purses to the daycare. For the next week there was always a  child chasing after me shouting, “Here Miss Paula, you forgot your purse.”   As you can tell I am easily sidetracked. Back to the grocery store. Never-mind, I don’t remember what I was going to say.

I’m an Open Book

I am the person that you don’t  want to ask, “How are you today?” Before the conversation is
over, I will be laying on your couch telling you my life story. I can’t help it. It just spews out. I am
a volcano of information. I believe that it is caused by undiagnosed ADHD. As a matter of fact I
was just at the doctors last week and I brought up the subject of ADHD. I told her my concerns.
She asked some questions then turned to my husband and asked him if I snore. He said I did.
WHAT? I DO NOT SNORE. Well maybe I do. I do remember waking up to the sound of snorting
and realizing it is me. Is this a sign of ADHD? I will have to Google this. By the time I left it was
decided that I would have some testing for Sleep Apnea.
I usually put off going to the doctor until I have at least three things wrong with me. As I get older
the visits are closer together. I live in a town that has a revolving door of doctors so I usually only
see the same one a few times before they move on to greener pastures. Judging by the number of
people in the waiting, it looks  pretty green to me. We also just lost our hospital. They also moved
on to greener pastures.
When my kids were little they were embarrassed that I would randomly talk to just anyone.
(For the record, you probably don’t want to sit by me on a plane either.) I remember being
somewhere with my older son. He was around four. I struck up a conversation with a man.
After the man walked off, my son looked up at me:
Him: Did you know him?
Me : No
Him: Was he as stranger?
Me: Yes
Him: THEN WHY WERE YOU TALKING TO HIM?!?!
Parenting 101: Never talk to strangers.  SCORE
Parenting 101: Practice what you preach. FAIL